the falling sun

With a wire wrapped around his neck,
Tightly tied to a tree,
There he stood on the top of the cliff,
With his inanimate life, above the sea.
He drinks his virulent drink.
And sets himself on fire.

Pulls the trigger though the midair
Misses his head and snaps the wire.
Now choking and strangling in the water,
His body begins to sink.
Not only did that put out the flames.
But he regurgitated his drink.
This wasn't the worse thing that could happen...yes it is.
We're dying slowing again

its to late

Today i finally purged my room it is clean to the fullest as
possible. I relocated all of her belongs into a shoe box and what
else i could into the crawl space. i have finally slept in my own
room for the past 3 nights and it feels nice. Also the past week
has looked beautiful outside and I'm finally feeling better.
Thoughts of course here and there come by with the situation.
I'm trying not to think often of it, because I'm finally getting
things straightened out in life. Robert will be coming over Sunday
hopefully to help purify the room with some Sage, and help me
reclaim it as my own.
Today i came across an old facebook message from her.
2 days before she showed up. it was very lengthy.
Analyzing it now i really didn't realize how i have been.
Re-creating old habits with her. I dwelled on the negative
so much or at least pointed it out more than needed, that it
destroyed us. You truly don't know what you have till its gone.
This saddens me because everyone has been saying "you did
all you could do, it wasn't in your control" yet why does it
finally feel like it was? if i hadn't been so pessimistic
especially with something so beautiful and great
that graced my life.

"girl I'm worth a second chance"

yet i know it wont come.
I'm tired of feeling like a proxy for the girls in my life
because after me they return to or find the "one" they are with
this has happened 4 times now. I feel it will happen for the 5th
now, which i cant blame her, because as i was and how i was being
of course he will nurture her being the "best friend/ex", and all
you ran from me into the arms of another. It deeply hurts knowing
i gave my all, literally my all, something saved for the right person
to share with, what society and the world today doesn't seem to have any
value anymore, yet i kept it for so long as hard as it was to, and still
i did. It was taken like a thief in the night, knowing how she truly
felt.
I thought after the past
few days i wouldn't think the thoughts of "i miss her" yet i do
now again. Yet I'm doing better. She left so much behind it felt
like you couldn't wait to leave. you wont look in the review for me
anymore, because i was just a bunch of constant blurs. It all happened.

"of course you think of the memories, you will never get back"-B.E

---

do i even cross your mind
plaguing mine with the ghost of remembrance
like the ones i use to protect you from
each blink relays ever passing moment we had
as my cup fills with regret
my tongue goes numb from its bitterness.
I'm nothing more than a page in your book
that you have closed.
mine is marked under hope.
We are back to where we started
looking at your face
behind a screen of pixels.
worlds apart
yet you still reside in my heart.
i wish you could see what
you originally saw before
to rekindle the light
that kept you warm for so long
as we both waited to embrace each other.
only to wave goodbye like strangers.
----
"I'm finally seeing, why i was the one worth leaving"
----
I miss you, I'm sorry

remember?

2 people today came up to me and asked this:

"how come you don't smile anymore?"
it intrigued me and all i could do
is raise a brow and say nothing.

after about 3 days of not even
entering my own room
i went in there tonight
to get my phone charger.
it felt so cold and abandoned
i instantly was rushed with
sorrowful emotions and wanted
to instantly leave
so i did. i must clean it soon
but even then I've still been
sleeping on the couch.
i finally have my own
full sized room after
so many years,
and now i don't even wish
to reside in it.
----
I'm not getting much sleep
these days.
the bags under my eyes
look horrendous.
I've never had this problem
==

"I'm due for a miracle
I'm waiting for a sign.
I'll stare straight into
the sun, i wont close my
eyes. till i understand
or go blind"

is how i feel about now
with everything.

give up the ghost

so its been 2weeks now
and i still feel i haven't moved on
its kinda sad.
i slept on the couch my whole weekend
i might continue to do so.
just being up in that big empty room now
doesn't feel like its my own anymore
it feels so vacant. cold. lonesome.
i wake up cold and restless.
the more i explain to people what happened
and why, i think about it more and more
and realize how messed up the whole situation
really is, and how i feel cheated out
of so many things. I cant help but second
guess so many things due to what happened.
i don't wish to, yet i do.
then talking daily like nothing happened.
her feeling or putting up a good front,
that shes fine. hurts as well.
even when i know she is hurting too.
i just wish for once people
would be real with me. more or less
those i date.
=====
dream time:

so last night i had an interesting dream
Sadie was in it, we drove to some house
that had a white fence (cliche i know)
and a long driveway, there where a ton
of cars behind the house and on the other
side of the fence leading to the house.
we walked in as if we knew the people.
or if i remember correct it was
people my mother knew and we were
there (for reasons i cannot remember)
they had 2 babies, we were playing
with them and their toys, talked
to the mother for a bit. Then
went to look at some cars
we were there for a long time actually
i saw Skye from work there and talked
to her shortly.
then we left and Sadie got into one of the
other vehicles. it was a convertible.
she turned really sad. and lowered her head.
i asked what was wrong. She said
she was feeling antsy, in a certain sort of way
and that she wanted me, because she doesnt
know when she will be back
she said "please,i dont know when i will be back
but i want to be back in march, with you"
this shocked me in the dream, and even
after that i woke up abruptly to a phone
call from Sadie herself. so i was shocked
in real life too.
====
oye vey

I'm finding hope. or more or less
hoping for hope.
i cant dwell anymore.
though the feelings reside
i must let go of the
thoughts plaguing my mind.
Even after leaving
you have this innate ability
to want me to need to better
my life and myself.
be safe in your travels.
if life brings you back to me
then i shall be truly happy.
if not then whats done is done.
I've noticed through the years
i become more and more silent
keeping within my head.
a lot of the times i just
feel i have nothing to say
or that its of no importance.
not hat i don't mind it.
i need to explore this world
get out of my shell.
this i have learned due to
recent events.
its time to reconstruct
the man i want to be
and abolish the things
i have kept for so long
i know can be changed,
and have been just not
to there full potential.
----
oh Dallas you tell it well.




-----


I'm sure this is all gonna sound
really ridiculous and..
I don't exactly expect anyone
to believe all this.
for the last little while
I've been kinda keeping
correspondence with my sanity,
and I really get the feeling that
I’m starting to lose interest
in the letter writing process.
The pieces of the letters,
they just get progressively
shorter and shorter until
it’s not even a reply. I...
the whole thing makes me
really nervous.
I just wish I could show you
what a huge problem this is.
I kind of have this...
Really terrible habit
of asking myself all these
stupid questions, right?
Like what if...
what if there's a spot
on my body that I can touch
to keep my heart from beating?
or like what if, what if there's this
stray bullet out there that’s gonna
come through my window and take me out?
like what if
what if there's this huge
unstoppable comet that’s just gonna,
destroy the earth and all of us?
Like what...
what if that’s happening right now?
How can I avoid all these questions
if I don't have that?
Like, who is gonna be here?
Why... who is gonna be there...
in the hospital?
Who is gonna tell me that
all this is bullshit...
its a dream?
Just a dream.
This is not a joke.
And... I'll never sleep.

forks.

you can change your location.
but it wont change whats within.

------
they say things get better with time.
though it only has been a day.
i feel my heart is on a tether
tied to your car
because the further you move
the harder it aches.
i try to block you out
yet everything smells
and reminds me of you.
somehow. someway.
its like pulse waves
randomly filling my head
of what i will and have
to miss and say goodbye to
i could write the list down
but i think I'd break my wrist.
you've been running all your life
i just wish i wasn't
one of the reasons to do so.
hearing the person you love
tell you they are disappointed in you
makes you truly realize how much
or how little your life is worth
or has meaning. i don't say this in
a self loathing way.
but the fact is; I'm almost 23
have the same dead end job for 3years
not in school yet, no car, license.
the list goes on. all of the doing is my own
and it makes me feel worthless.
i want to change this, and i will
because my drive test is next week.
yet i have no motivation for anything
lately.
i went through all of your and our
photos from beginning to end,
of this really long short story.
All the small things that made us
and how i fell for you. Just pixels
behind a screen that came to reality.
to soon fly off to be free again.
you seemed to be so happy back then.
i miss that. it feels like our goodbye
was forever. on every level.
your beauty is on par with your wonderful
talent. never loose it.
its not just me either I've
notice in a generality that those around
me are going through really tough times.
when i hear their stories it makes me
think why am i bickering. I'm the creator
of my own fear and sorrows. i need to
get over this.i know i will......eventually
but like always i live in the moment
and don't look at the bigger picture.

-----
This town has its claws buried in my neck
This town, it takes lives,
without mercy,
he grass is growing on top of my feet
I'm sinking, won't be long,
before I'm too deep to run
Because this city,
this city is haunted
And there's no hope
left for these souls
Every step I take
I leave a small piece
Of myself behind.
Soon there will be nothing left.
Every breath I take I feel my lungs seal
This breeze feels more like shards of glass
I'm more scars than skin
----
Did you ever look,
did you ever see that one person,
and the subtle way
that they do these things
and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down
the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes
seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions
at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down
in the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know
the only reason you are here now
is a reminder of what I'll never have...
-------

it feels like a re-acuring nightmare
the talons deep within my chest
each breath feels as frozen air.
pin-needles coursing through my veins.
you can hide a photo
these memories feel forever.
stained deep within my brain
each mirror reflecting upon me
reminding me of my regrets.

goodbye friendship, hello heartache.

this second meeting came too soon.
----

you lost your heart
when i thought you had
found it.
-----
one touch
one second
can determine the world
past future present
if it doesn't line up
then that's all she wrote
----
when i grabbed for your
hands
they turned to dust
fading away from me.
---
i hate this feeling of longing
it seems so adolescent like
after someone leaves you that is.
why must i fall for those that
seem to have the hardest time
just being honest?
i thank you for the chance
and risk put forth.
it means the world.
my heart bends not breaks
this time.
it aches.
still longing for you.
half a year gone
after just one touch.
the butterflies absent
within your tummy.
i wish i could share mine.
you've made me happier than
I've ever been.
-----
no longer can i be your defender
i hope the nights don't
create to much fear
for i cannot answer
to your ever whim no more.
we were so close
even though we were
divided by state lines.
Now those lines
will be like
multiple walls.
---
this will be a final goodbye
----