give up the ghost

so its been 2weeks now
and i still feel i haven't moved on
its kinda sad.
i slept on the couch my whole weekend
i might continue to do so.
just being up in that big empty room now
doesn't feel like its my own anymore
it feels so vacant. cold. lonesome.
i wake up cold and restless.
the more i explain to people what happened
and why, i think about it more and more
and realize how messed up the whole situation
really is, and how i feel cheated out
of so many things. I cant help but second
guess so many things due to what happened.
i don't wish to, yet i do.
then talking daily like nothing happened.
her feeling or putting up a good front,
that shes fine. hurts as well.
even when i know she is hurting too.
i just wish for once people
would be real with me. more or less
those i date.
=====
dream time:

so last night i had an interesting dream
Sadie was in it, we drove to some house
that had a white fence (cliche i know)
and a long driveway, there where a ton
of cars behind the house and on the other
side of the fence leading to the house.
we walked in as if we knew the people.
or if i remember correct it was
people my mother knew and we were
there (for reasons i cannot remember)
they had 2 babies, we were playing
with them and their toys, talked
to the mother for a bit. Then
went to look at some cars
we were there for a long time actually
i saw Skye from work there and talked
to her shortly.
then we left and Sadie got into one of the
other vehicles. it was a convertible.
she turned really sad. and lowered her head.
i asked what was wrong. She said
she was feeling antsy, in a certain sort of way
and that she wanted me, because she doesnt
know when she will be back
she said "please,i dont know when i will be back
but i want to be back in march, with you"
this shocked me in the dream, and even
after that i woke up abruptly to a phone
call from Sadie herself. so i was shocked
in real life too.
====
oye vey