internal warefare

I recently had a long conversation with a buddy about
personalities and traits.
i have been realizing lately i feel upset or bummed
about people around me or work
that perceive me as a joke or a clown
yet i put that mask on for them to just see that
and nothing more, yet i struggle with the want
of them to know me for who i am and
what i want to become.
im tired of being the fool.
or acting.
i just want to be.
---
also the position at work was filled
and i wasn't informed or even interviewed
because i asked the person
who was the potential filler of the spot.
she said "yeah, did you not do well in the interview?"
and it instantly bummed me
because i had not even been interviewed
this made me feel even more so
like I'm seen as a joke and not serious.
--
also today my ears where burning all day
and were dark red all day.
my face was still blotchy from the day before.
all day people kept asking about my face.
i almost fainted at one point.
im not sure whats going on.

with clenched fists and bloodshot eyes

the only major act of physical abuse i have bestowed upon myself
is a greatly regretful one.
It started within high school.
creating laughter
with those around me. As time went on,
i could tell it became very damaging
a year or so went by of this.
It doesnt help that i have a terribly weak stomach,
i say it was a 50/50 of self affliction
as well as my friends knowing what they
could get away with.
what i'm getting at is, i've always had stomach issues, i wonder often
if i have stomach ulcers or something going on within me, because
i am often queasy or nauseous. I use to be able to puke on command,
or my friends would make me dizzy or make me drink or eat
things they knew would manifest such things outwardly.
my throat is permanently damaged and i always feel like an old
man clearing my throat like I've done chew or smoked for years.
it sadness me that i have done such affliction to myself, and at the time
thought it was funny and wouldn't have any permanent effects.
after lunch today i found myself weak and feeble, at this point it
had been along time since i have done such an act.
10minutes had past after lunch and i couldnt bare it anymore
i used the restroom like i had to. flushed. then found myself
coughing with the seat up, and falling to my knees with arms
around my stomach. ending in nothing but dry heaves, blood, and agony
i sat there in tears.
my face puffed up like a balloon and my eyes where pure red.
i felt pure hell within my stomach and eyes.
everything was a blur for 20minutes.
i looked as if i just smoked like 10000 bowls
and everyone kept pestering me very concerned
thinking i was sad. though i wasn't.
sigh. i just wish this would get better, than worse.
Everytime it happens, all the blood vessels in my face
burst and i look terrible.
I need a new stomach.

winters embrace

these
shiver
and
shakes
convulsive
earthquakes
fearing
like
i'm
close
to
a
junkie
with
the
twitches
uncontrollable
powerless

has a thunderbolt, ever voiced your name

tonight.
i did something unexpected
i went to FHE
seeing old faces.
it felt to much of a blur
my mind couldn't contain
everything going on.
reconnecting with old faces
felt nice.
but that's where i wanted
it to end
just at that.
-------
scarlet came to my house
and played me
twinkle twinkle
little star
on violin.
it was amazing.
great to see a missed face.
we went and saw
"Where the Wild Things"
something within that movie
revitilized something within me
a childhood? a dream. any and everything?
i felt so joyous just watching every
little scene and clip. like a dream
never wanting to escape.
it gave me much happiness
i didn't want to let go.
giving much hope for having
children of my own.
knowing it will be difficult
yet so much worth the end result
and just the good times.
it felt like a eyeopener to
many aspects of life.
something i cannot
internally explain.
----
afterwords i had a very much
unexpected discussion with a
friend.
lasting 2 1/2 hours.
its great to get to know people
deeper than the surface.
whether it be just simplistic
or truly getting to more
rooted things most people
don't discuss or wish to.
thank you.
-----

the flashes of lightning
were everlasting
and beautiful with each
flash exploding the
night skies

you are my heaven tonight.

this all seems so surreal
i was thinking today
i wish to write a story/novel
or a screen play
of the recent events
and how they came to
as well as Roberts
and Holly's.
because they are so
in-sync.
it would make for
a beautiful movie or book.
----
"Time is what we want most, but... what we use worst."
i shall never take for granted this time, we will have.

this times for real

sigh.... my computer is botched.
thank you sir.
---
today was a beautiful day
i sat at lunch alone in the
sun because they bees
attacked, so everyone left.
i looked at the beautiful
walking around the building
the trees and leaves
upon earths floor
looked so inviting
i wanted to
be childish
jumping and playing
within them.
today was a good day.

----
spin the needle on its
thread.
bobbing up and
back again.
this is my fate

constancy

its interesting watching people shed their skins like chameleons.
metamorphosis into something new, whether good or bad.
i've been noticing your change, slow yet noticed.
your anger grows within such a small persona-gin.
blinded are you with this.
yet it affects us as a whole.
---
i watched the clouds today.
they looked like they were
trying to escape their own skin
leaving the sky. to find a new home.
with such haste
it intrigued me. i smiled.
after fleeting
the skies turned grey
and torrential downpour
commenced.
thus creating more beauty.
----

Question of the moment:
how long will you tread water, with no hopes to sink or swim?

----

song of the moment:

Jonny Craig - I still feel her pt.3